Tuesday 19 February 2013

Hitting the wall.....

Hitting the wall.....the PTSD wall


well happy new year to you all, sorry its been so long since my last blog but the PTSD rollercoster has been on fine form, with many up's, down's, twist's, and turns.

The latest twist for us has been the sadly a negative trip Jay went on with the DQv project. This as I've said in previous blogs, Discovery quest or DQv is a specialised mountaineering therapy programme for ex solider's with PTSD and other mental health problems.

Jay had been really looking forward to the last trip, the trip itself was a fairly big one up to the cairngorms in Scotland for eight days. So off he went all packed for a winter trip full of positive energy which in itself was great, and came home.....mentally in a bad way vowing never to go back onto the course again. Talk about two steps forward....one back!



So as he began to calm down and unwind i began to get little bits and pieces from him as to what events had taken place,which included lots of arguments, incidence's and sadly for Jay no therapy. He like the others was promised a one to one chat, something which he feels he needs and gets a great deal out of, but due to other things overshadowing the event, he was the only one not to get it. So this has left him feeling very down, he has been angry, insular, grumpy, moody, toddler like ,and basically has been extremely hard work and emotionally draining. 

I decided that i needed to get to the bottom of the problems and find out just what had happened to cause such a change and backward step in Jay's rehabilitation, after all this is a stress condition...and he was beyond stressed. I contacted the DQv group manager and he arranged to meet us to discuss the latest events from his perspective. this all took place today, and what unfolded i was certainly not expecting or prepared for. We got to the venue and Jay had already been treating and stressing, the tell tale signs were rearing there ugly heads, hand rubbing, head sinking, general figgiting.

He sat for a while becoming more agitated and insular with his thoughts,so i decided to tell him i would speak with the DQv manage alone and give him chance to destress a little  After quiet a productive chat things became clear as to what had taken place and the manager even apoligised for letting Jay down in not giving him his one to one. We then asked Jay to join the meeting and listen to what the manager had to say. Jay listened and accepted the apology however became increasingly agitated his tell tale signs became even more pronounced. Jay was then asked to say what he was thinking, and that was the final straw as they say....and that good old camels back well and truly broke.





The following event was that Jay became so angry he was physically shaking with it, sweating, crying, rocking, trembling, his eyes became glazed, to look at him he was actually physically unrecognizable .......and i have NEVER been so scared in all my life, but not of him, but of losing him. I actually thought he was going to sink so deep mentally that id never get him back, and that feeling of loss was overwhelming.
The pain in his face and in those eyes was unimaginable and my heart literally broke watching my big strong ruffty tuffty husband break down like that. He is my soul mate and i felt his pain. The pain he bares every single day of his life but keeps so well locked down and controlled you'd never know it was there. After a long while and Jays mental health nurse talking him round, he started to come back down and resemble my husband once more, but i can honestly say that has got to be the worst i have ever seen him and the most useless I've ever felt.

So as you can imagine today has not been a good day and we have well and truly fallen off the horse to coin a phase used by Jay's nurse. However our motto has been and will continue to be..... one day at a time.

And with PTSD and all of its complexity's it really is one day at a time, and tomorrows another day :O)