Hitting the wall.....

Hitting the wall.....the PTSD wall

well happy new year to you all, sorry its been so long since my last blog but the PTSD rollercoster has been on fine form, with many up's, down's, twist's, and turns.

The latest twist for us has been the sadly a negative trip Jay went on with the DQv project. This as I've said in previous blogs, Discovery quest or DQv is a specialised mountaineering therapy programme for ex solider's with PTSD and other mental health problems.

Jay had been really looking forward to the last trip, the trip itself was a fairly big one up to the cairngorms in Scotland for eight days. So off he went all packed for a winter trip full of positive energy which in itself was great, and came home.....mentally in a bad way vowing never to go back onto the course again. Talk about two steps forward....one back!

So as he began to calm down and unwind i began to get little bits and pieces from him as to what events had taken place,which included lots of arguments, incidence's and sadly for Jay no therapy. He like the others was promised a one to one chat, something which he feels he needs and gets a great deal out of, but due to other things overshadowing the event, he was the only one not to get it. So this has left him feeling very down, he has been angry, insular, grumpy, moody, toddler like ,and basically has been extremely hard work and emotionally draining. 

I decided that i needed to get to the bottom of the problems and find out just what had happened to cause such a change and backward step in Jay's rehabilitation, after all this is a stress condition...and he was beyond stressed. I contacted the DQv group manager and he arranged to meet us to discuss the latest events from his perspective. this all took place today, and what unfolded i was certainly not expecting or prepared for. We got to the venue and Jay had already been treating and stressing, the tell tale signs were rearing there ugly heads, hand rubbing, head sinking, general figgiting.

He sat for a while becoming more agitated and insular with his thoughts,so i decided to tell him i would speak with the DQv manage alone and give him chance to destress a little  After quiet a productive chat things became clear as to what had taken place and the manager even apoligised for letting Jay down in not giving him his one to one. We then asked Jay to join the meeting and listen to what the manager had to say. Jay listened and accepted the apology however became increasingly agitated his tell tale signs became even more pronounced. Jay was then asked to say what he was thinking, and that was the final straw as they say....and that good old camels back well and truly broke.

The following event was that Jay became so angry he was physically shaking with it, sweating, crying, rocking, trembling, his eyes became glazed, to look at him he was actually physically unrecognizable .......and i have NEVER been so scared in all my life, but not of him, but of losing him. I actually thought he was going to sink so deep mentally that id never get him back, and that feeling of loss was overwhelming.

The pain in his face and in those eyes was unimaginable and my heart literally broke watching my big strong ruffty tuffty husband break down like that. He is my soul mate and i felt his pain. The pain he bares every single day of his life but keeps so well locked down and controlled you'd never know it was there. After a long while and Jays mental health nurse talking him round, he started to come back down and resemble my husband once more, but i can honestly say that has got to be the worst i have ever seen him and the most useless I've ever felt.

So as you can imagine today has not been a good day and we have well and truly fallen off the horse to coin a phase used by Jay's nurse. However our motto has been and will continue to be..... one day at a time.

And with PTSD and all of its complexity's it really is one day at a time, and tomorrows another day :O)

The poppy is to remember so "Lest We Forget"



wear your poppy with pride

 

 

Well today was the official launch of the 2012 Poppy appeal. The 2012 campaign hopes to break previous records with an ambitious target of £42 million and donations are welcome all year round. Each year the nation expresses its unequivocal support for The Royal British Legion's work through the Poppy Appeal.

Today whilst putting our coats on my two year old daughter looked up at me pointing to my poppy and said " the flower is beautiful" and apart from making me smile it got me to thinking...... So whats the poppy all about and why that flower, and after a little research... it goes abit like this: On the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month in 1918, the First World War ended. Civilians wanted to remember the people who had given their lives for peace and freedom. An American War Secretary, Moina Michael, inspired by John McCrae's poem,"in Flanders fields", began selling poppies to friends to raise money for the ex-Service community. The Legion adopted the poppy for its fundraising in 1921 - and so the tradition began.

Ive always brought and wore a poppy to show my mark of respect to those men and women whom paid the ultimate price, and on Armistice Sunday I will always be found at a memorial with my family paying my silent respects. 
 
why the blog, Well this year i have become personally more aware of just what great things the Royal British Legion (RBL) do. With Jay's PTSD has come the involvement of the RBL. from support at his veterans meetings to most recently a specialist Benefits and Money Adviser who has introduced us to specific benefits available to Jay, and can also advise on areas like War pensions, the Armed Forces Compensation Scheme and disability claims and tribunals. Which when your already suffering with a mental health problem, are even more complicated, so to have someone on your side helping you through the maze is priceless.

The RBL serve to support in so many ways, from bereavement, to grants, from holidays to care home, the list of support is endless, and all this funded by a little poppy donation. I visited there online shop yesterday and brought another poppy amongst other things, as i felt its just a small way of my repaying gratitude towards the RBL and all that they have done for my family.

And for my daughter who thought the poppy beautiful i brought a Poppy Pocket Field Garden. so she can grow poppies from the comfort of our own home simply by cutting off the top of the smart bag, and then it's ready, set, grow.
 

 
 
So i shall finish this blog by asking that you please no matter how small make a donation to this wonderul charity, and maybe even buy a poppy fields garden for someone you love which can be found at www.poppyshop.org.uk 


I will leave you with the poem by John McCrae that gave the poppy its significance to this day...

A POPPY IS TO REMEMBER....SO LEST WE FORGET.





Discovery Quest Veterans Programme

Well today has been a mixed bag of emotions, Jay was up at the crack of dawn to catch his train, and meet up with the rest of the veterans who are participating in the new Discovery quest veterans programme.(DVQ) www.discoveryquest.org/veterans.html

This is now the second time he has done this, and this week there off up into the lake district to hike into the mountains, and the reasons for this, well quite a simple one really, walking is the oldest form of healing therapy for mental health sufferers. So whats it all about well......

The DQV is a specialist 1 year mountaineering therapy project for ex-services personnel who have left the armed forces (post 2001) and who are experiencing severe psychological injuries incurred in service. At present this service covers east Anglia only.

Jay's veterans M.H nurse was the one who initially came across and recommend that he look into and apply to enrol on this new adventure, giving I'm his full support and help with the application process, back in July this year.

Mountaineering whilst in the army was one of my Jay's favourite things, but it was also something which didn't cross over into civvy life, once he left the army.

So today with his bags packed he and 19 other PTSD suffers will begin to tackle various
Expeditions in 4 mountainous areas of the UK. These expeditions are spread throughout the year, each expedition lasting roughly 3 to 6 days....... And for me this is where it becomes hard, although I'm so proud and pleased that he has decided to do this therapy programme and I've actively encouraged his doing so, I'm now feeling alittle lost, as for a long time I've been Jay's main carer and as a result of this we have become almost co reliant upon each other, mostly spending 24/7 together. Up until now it's been all day every day living with the effects of PTSD, as well as being my husbands rock, working as a paramedic, being a mummy, and running the household, managing finances....and the list goes on and on.

 The programme seems to offer a good balance of benefits as it states "Individuals will engage in a range of mountaineering activities that will bring about psychological and physical benefits in their own right, yet more importantly they will act as an engagement tool for individuals to participate in informal group therapy sessions in the mountainous areas. Highly skilled mental health practitioners will facilitate these sessions and individuals will also receive one to one emotional and psychological support, if required. Opportunities to develop strong peer support, with the knowledge that your peers are also ex service personnel who are receiving support for their physical and psychology needs."

The DVQ actually have there own blogspot as this is there maiden programme for veterans it gives an insight into what they have all been up to, you can find it at www.dqveterans.blogspot.com Well for the first time in a very long time I'm off to bed alone strange feeling really, however the upside of this.... i get to starfish in the bed! :O) the selfish side of me  says, roll on Friday when my hubby comes home,  however i can't wait to hear how they all got on, seeing him happy as he recalls his adventures, is an amazing feeling, as i see a glimpse of the old Jay come back and not the PTSD.  Walking, hiking or getting out in nature can provide many restorative benefits and, as Paul White points out, "do more good for an unhappy adult than all the medicine in the world".

In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks. John Muir

Jay took this picture on his first trip in the lake district three weeks ago, when he came home he said to me it was the best one he took as it summed up that there is "Light at the end of a PTSD tunnel"

  

The Care Giver.....

 

Spouse, husband, wife, partner, girlfriend or relative who ever you are, we all take on the role of a care giver...

 

Care giving for a veteran, especially with PTSD places a strain on the entire family. PTSD can be viewed as a chronic illness, and the person with PTSD may require constant care from a loved one, such as a wife or husband. Partners of people with PTSD may be faced with a number of stressors that go along with caring for and living with someone with a chronic disorder. These stressors include financial strain, managing the person's symptoms, dealing with crises, loss of friends, or loss of intimacy. This for me has become more and more of a reality over the last six months.

Due to a loved one's illness, caregivers may be the only people who can take care of such stressors. This puts a large burden on them, and as a result, they may experience tremendous strain and stress, or care giver burden. As well the person living with or dealing with someone with PTSD may find themselves suffering not only from care givers burden but secondary PTSD as well. I intend to look further into this theory at a later date.

Care givers may feel guilty if they take time for themselves or feel stressed out as a result of caring for someone, especially when a loved one is struggling with a serious diagnosis like PTSD. However, it is important for care givers to realise that they too need time to "recharge their batteries." Living with and caring for someone with PTSD is stressful in its own right. The more a caregiver can learn how to care for themselves, the better they will be able to care for others. I’ve had to learn to cope with the guilt of needing time out every now again, after all I’m only human!

 

Reaching out to fellow spouses......

Hi my name is Karen, and I'm a veteran PTSD suffers wife....

Welcome to my therapy ha ha. So you maybe wondering what my reason is for creating this blog.... and it's a fairly simple one.....After trawling the Internet far and wide I've come to realise that although PTSD is fairly well recognised now in the UK, that sadly the family members who support that suffer are NOT.

So i shall begin with my little story, for they say there is a story in all of us so here's Our story so far, My husband a Army veteran of 11 years, has been "formally diagnosed" with PTSD and recurrent depressive disorder, HURRAH at long last a label for whats been going on for many, many years being suffered in silence. "I'm officially a nut nut" my hubby said.

However the diagnosis is only the start of a very long journey both for my husband who suffers from it and for our family, and the effects it has upon our day to day lives.

My main reason for setting up this blog, to reach out to other spouses of veteran PTSD sufferers and maybe learn and educate along the way alittle about the thing we all live with and suffer (direct or indirectly) the effects of  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or more simply put....PTSD.

So welcome, and buckle up it really is quite a rollercoster ride.